Continuing this new series with the first of my story. While I know it seems I like to talk, we all have that point where things start to get real and slightly uncomfortable…and well, vulnerable. We get vulnerable. I want to share my story with you, not because it’s amazing, but because I need to finally start making the words tangible. xo
Dear Me (Part 1: The Pregnancy)
You have to calm down. I know you were upset when you saw that positive test. This isn’t what you had planned. After all, you’d only been married for six months and you were looking forward to that exciting newlywed season. Well, if anyone knows that things don’t always work out according to plan, its you–rest assured you will not only survive this new season, but you will thrive. It will change you in ways that you never thought possible. I know, I know–right now it doesn’t seem possible, but it will. While you lay there crying at the unexpected, know that your heart will be shaped and stretched in so many positive ways. That by the second trimester, the excitement will come–you are, after all, a wardrobe stylist and this gives you a massive excuse to start outfitting baby. More importantly, you know deep down that this new life is a gift; one that many struggle for, and that you are being blessed with. That growing and raising this baby, is nothing to take lightly and that eventually, the gut punch feeling will fade and you will be overcome with anticipation and love for this tiny human inside you. As per usual, you will dive into hours of reading and research so that you can bring this little life into the world in the healthiest and most thought out way you believe is best for you and your growing family. (Sidenote: be prepared for this to be a controversial topic, with lots of feedback, and lots of suggestions, but remember to trust your gut. You know your body, and what you can handle.) But…I can not stress this enough, remember–things will not always go according to plan. No matter how much you plan and prepare, remember to be flexible–to hold things with open hands, and to know that ultimately He is in control.
Let yourself cry, let yourself process, you need to process, you need to realize that things really will never be the same, but that’s okay. You need to know that you were made for this, that this little seed of life is going to love you without end, and that in that love you are going to experience an entirely new outlook on life. Your priorities will change, your daily habits will change, everything will change–but try to remember that the things that rejuvenate you, are still good for you. It’s not selfish to take a night for yourself, of course–this means you need to find a sitter or ask your loving husband since he’s the one that helped get you into this fragile state, but you are still a person too. The balance may be one you struggle with for quite some time, but your health is an important part of their health.
Don’t be ashamed, don’t be overcome. You will fail, you are going to make mistakes, no matter how hard you try to not re-create any of the pain of your own childhood, there will be bad days and good. Every human has fallen, every human has a story, and yes there are generational strongholds you will be up against – but you were fearfully made for this. Do not be afraid sweet girl, do not be afraid. This child will not be lonely, it will be loved. You don’t know it yet, but you have some deep deep wounds that need to heal, and this is the beginning of the process. There will be days you feel like a complete failure, remember you are not alone. He is there, your family is there, and they will help you. This new season will teach you to use your voice, do not be afraid of the way it sounds. The fear of becoming your parents, or their parents, or anyone else’s parents is stupid…you will be your own parents, but don’t overlook the habits and rhythms, healthy or not, of those that shaped you. They have shaped you. They have shaped you, and some of those things have been shaped on such an intimate and personal level, you may have never realized it.
The crazy thing about all of this, is that you’re learning to love in a way you never knew possible. And you’re going to be crazy enough to try it again, and again, and it is so beautiful. So take heart sweet girl, you will be forever changed, because you’ve just learned the first step to being vulnerable.